Nostalgia in a Time Capsule; Or, Hello from the Past

Is it ever weird to you that you are able to see yourself from years ago? Like, we all know you can see pictures that were taken of you, and look at yourself and think, "Aw, I was so cute back then." But, you can see much more than that. You have the ability to put yourself back into the shoes you wore earlier in your life (metaphorically, you're feet have probably grown since then). Take Facebook, for example. If you scroll down far enough on your own homepage, you can look at the things you and others wrote years earlier. It's especially easy if you do the filter that just shows the posts you've made, and instantly you are able to track your growth/progression through your status updates. Just a few minutes ago I read a fb message I had sent someone two years earlier. Or go to your photos, and on the first one click previous, and go through your pictures in reverse. You are seeing yourself from most likely two to three years ago (more or less depending on how long you've had fb). Or go through the saved documents on your computer. If I had my brother's external hard drive with me, I would be able to see essays I wrote in high school, sophomoric efforts (pun) that I then saw as literature at its zenith. I have sat down and for hours gone back through the things I had previously done.

Often times, this serves no greater purpose than to look back and chuckle at how far we have come, or perhaps serve a dish of longing for times past. But every once in a while, looking back means so much more. It is a chance to put yourself into the mindset that you held during the making of that event, and compare the differences between yourself then and yourself now. I think this is most easily accomplished through playlists you have made. Over the years, I have made many CDs for many people, usually without more motive than bringing to fruition the excitement of making a set of tracks that at first seem to be disparate but in fact hold a common theme or contain a flowing wave of emotion. As I mentioned about a year and a half ago on one of the first posts on this blog, each song holds a connotation to me (speaking of the ease of looking back on one's past, what better way than a blog where in one scroll I can read things that were on my mind a year before). Each song elicits an emotion or triggers a set of memories that are usually tied to some time and event in one's life. These can change over time, but some of these initial-impression connotations stay with you. For example, the pop-punk that manifested itself in my life throughout the summer after my sophomore year hold the connotation of heartbreak and the struggle to stay above water. As I grew older and these feeling left me, my music changed with me, leading to different connotations being attached to other songs. Over time, of course, some of the better punk songs from that time warranted a longer shelf life on the library of my itunes (see what I did there?), and as I listened to them with fresh ears, new feelings would leech themselves on, creating a new connotation for the song. Another example: one of the punk songs during that time was "Nobody's Listening" by Linkin Park was put on my workout playlist, and every time I exercise I hear that song. This has nearly stripped away its old connotation and replaced it with a new one. However, if I put on Meteora, the album where Nobody's Listening is contained, and give it a run-through, I'm positive I can go back to the feelings I had when I would lie on my bed all those years ago and turned the volume up to eleven to drown out the thoughts of sadness I had (don't worry, never thoughts of suicide, it was never that bad, and I have always loved life :) Notice the parentheses holds two uses in this context. Boom.

But, I digress. The point of all of that is that every once in a while I will be scrolling through my iPod and I will come to a CD I had made for someone years earlier, and I'll put it on. Within the first four or five seconds, all the memories and emotions having to do with the songs of the CD come flooding back into me. I am able to see the world the way I had when I compiled the playlist. The relationships I was forging, the bonds that were breaking, the angst (oh, the angst!), the trivialities of every day life. All of this occurs in anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes, until I wrench myself away from the past and back into the present. At its most extreme, I am left shaken, feeling as though I had been transported back in time. This eventually passes, and then I am back to my absentminded musings of now. But those few minutes afterward are just about the only time I truly feel nostalgia. Hell, the reason I started writing this article was because the message I had written two years ago triggered these happenings until I was left with an intense longing to go back and relive the things that have already happened to me. I don't know if I would change them, but just to live in oneself. Why is it that our best hiding places fade away over the years? (That was going to be a status update one of these days, you know. Consider yourselves lucky)

Why are we nostalgic? Why do we long for the past when we have so much life to live? I think it is a lot like reading a good book over again or listening to a song you know backwards and forwards. You already know the outcome, you know the ups and downs and you are there just to relive the ride. There is comfort in the past because it has already happened, and there is nothing to be afraid of. There are no twists in the past, because the twists have already occurred and cease to be surprises, only the next chapter in the story. This is what makes the future so fearsome. Anything could happen tomorrow, and there is nothing you can do about it. Things happen, often without your consent, and you are left gasping for breath. You can do nothing but approach it head on. But sometimes, it is just so much nicer to avoid this by looking back to what has already happened and reflect upon that. The road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I am currently listening to a CD Jason Huang made as Christmas present for his friends during senior year. The song "Let Go" by Frou Frou came on a few minutes ago, and with it all the connotations. The song is not strongly associated with Jason's CD, as I had heard it numerous times (and still do) on the "Garden State" CD. As that song played, and while I was writing the last paragraphs, the feelings and emotions came to me. First, images of the final scene of Garden State (spoiler alert), with Zach Braff holding Natalie Portman on the stairs while she cries, and then coming back later and everything works out. This stays with me for a few seconds before I move onto a more personal connection to the song. I saw myself driving my white Toyota Avalon XLS down Herriman Ave, windows open, and blasting the song for all to hear. The wind whips through my hair, and I consider this song to be the greatest composition ever conceived. Thoughts of going home to watch Scrubs, going to English to talk to Chris, Jason, and Mihir while Jason and Chris battle it out under the desk. Competing with Swupnil for the higher grammar and spelling test grades. Coming to math and spending the first 20 minutes listening to Mrs. Scola launch into a lengthy monologue about her adorable children and hilarious stories about her life. Going to lunch and wondering with whom I should sit with, and the implications of doing so. Courting girls. Putting off homework. Complaining about AP Bio. These are the feelings I get when listening to Let Go, and when I return back to the present, all I want to do is transport to junior year and be with my friends and just relive everything. The last thing I want to do is live in the present and know that with tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, come things that cannot be known until they happen.

Is it bad to be afraid of the future? I think everyone, to some degree, does fear the unknown. And yet, most deal with it, by preparing as much as they can, and accepting the fact that what happens will happen.

What happens when we die? Do our souls live on, merely relieved of their bodies? Or do we just stop functioning, and everything is gone? How do we prepare for it? What can you do? I supposed the answer is everything you can before you go. We all know where the path ends up, but we don't know how it gets there. All we can do is enjoy the walk.

Even in one hour of writing, you can tell how much my perspective changes. From nostalgia to fear of the future to fears upon death to a resolve to live life to the fullest. I am sure that in the future I will return to this post and, in curiosity of my past life, read this. But what will I be like then?

Hello, future self. I am 18 year old Andrew (soon to be 19). I am lying in my bed in my dorm room at UC Berkeley at at 3:20 in the morning. I do not know what I want to do with my life. I'd like to think that one day I will have a lot of money, but when I look upon the work ethic I currently posses, I do not see myself doing this. I have not made a lot of friends here at Berkeley, probably because I am afraid that if I make new friends then the old friends I have made will not mean as much. I don't know whether Rubber Soul or Revolver is a better album. I like making puns. I enjoy being with people, but I like being by myself just as much. I am afraid that when I will die I will regret that I have wasted parts of my life. Will I ever get married and have a family? Will I be able to be with the same woman for the majority of my life and still be madly in love with her? Will my kids like me? Will I take them to the beach, and teach them how to play baseball, and be there at their recitals and games, and make sure they watch good TV shows and listen to go music, and make sure that they always try their hardest? Will I be optimistic? Will I leave a lasting impact in anyone's life? Will I make the world a better place? Will I believe in God? When I am on my deathbed, who will be around me? Who will attend my funeral, and what will they really think of me? Eventually, all of these questions will be answered, in that dark, unknowing future. And when that time comes, it will be past, and I'm sure I will look back on them fondly, wishing I could relive the moments that make life worth living. Future self, I hope you know what's important in life, because this might be our only chance to live it.